Sunlight Sedation

It is the way
you kissed my palms
like they had been holding
all of your oxygen
for the last two months;
pulling up the hem of my T-shirt
and reminding my stomach
with your mouth
how worthy it is
of worship,
of mercy.

You will never be
a new religion to me:
but rather a louder way to love.
You will be my reminder
of daily grace.

Because as your lips met my skin,
my eyes were wrinkling themselves
into two old maids
laughing in rockers
on the front porch of
their country house in the summer.
Two windows
squinted like they were staring
at the sun.,
not caring if they were blinded
in happiness.

Like love never left;
like the splinters of hurt and
regret remained in my heart
only so
when the time was right,
I could re-make them into a door jam.

It’s like saying your name,
missing how much
my lips
pursed at the “shh”,
and now, not wanting
to be quiet
about this.

Bless this Reptilian Skin

“In seven years,
 you will not exist on my body.
Bless this reptilian skin.
Bless each ash stuck
to the feathers of this woman.

I will not slander your name,
but in seven years time
someone will shake me
 out
of the phrases 
you caged me in.
In seven years time,
I will have said my own name
so many times,
that I won’t remember the way
your mouth formed around it.

In seven years time,
I will forgive my nakedness.
In seven years time,
the only thing worthy
of being near my lips
will be Chapstick.

In seven years time,
you will no longer
linger 
on this skin.
In seven years time,
through God’s grace,
I will be my own
linchpin.”

I’m Not a Duck

It’s been a few days but
can you let me rest a bit?
I’ve been trying to be a well of joy,
but the rest aren’t diving into it.

I’m trying not be bitter,
trying to make the days shorter,
trying to understand
why I’m here amidst the thick
of these people
who haven’t got their lives
figured out yet—

and yes,
maybe I took a rain-check.
Maybe I let God be the ringmaster
so I wouldn’t have to take credit
for going nowhere.
For being stuck a week
before my 22nd and
knowing no one but
my family will help me celebrate
it.

And that’s really what it comes down to,
isn’t it?
That you’re trying to be friendly,
and end up being called
“fake”.
You’re trying to fill in your free time
with a plans that no one wants to make.
You have some kid
who tells you
you need to get guys
but yet he says
you can’t get guys
because, he says,
you’re not flirty
and you want to laugh,
but wait—
the smile covers up the pain.
You hide you’re face,
dig back into your job and
ask

can I rest now,
for just a little bit?
Can I take a break?

 

Modern Magi

I’m ready for the thunder,
now.
I learned that there can be beauty
in the quaking of the earth;
just because the sky trembles
doesn’t mean it will fall down.

And if it did,
our bones would be crushed
into fairy dust
and whoever survived would build from a world
coated in magic.

Maybe there’d be peace then.
Maybe some things would make more sense like:

driving home I saw a car
missing one headlight,
completely smashed out of socket
on the drivers side,
save for a bulb.
This bulb that was on
and shining with all its might.
Wherever they were going,
they still had light.

When the sky cracks in half,
I realize now stitching can also
come in streaks that terrify.

I am no longer a child,
hiding under covers
when the rain comes down.
I’m the windshield wiper
on a car sans one headlight,
swishing water out of line of sight.
Helping driver get to destination,
marveling at the shaking
waiting for the comet tail of lightning,
and trailing the wings of the faeries,
shaking off dust as they fly by.

Journaling on the Blog

So, today I went to a new church with my friend Sarah. It was the first time I had been to a service since Easter and I walk toward the church only to see lawn sign with “Is the End Near?” written on them.

I’ve gone to private school. I’ve had “Rapture Happy” teachers who liked to scare students with stories of the “end times” and the rapture of Christians. When will it occur? Pre-trib, mid-trib, or post-trib? Who will be taken? Who will be left behind?

While I’ve grown up in that culture and can honestly say that I’m a believer of the one true God and his son, Christ Jesus, for the first time, in a long time, I didn’t feel scared of the end.

While I am scared of the act of dying, it is not my destination that worries me anymore. I don’t have to stick my hand up and ask to be saved every time we have a prayer. I know I believe in God and I know God loves me and has accepted me into His kingdom.

What is still awe-inspiring to me is watching others in worship. How they take that love they have for God and let it manifest itself into praise, the way they raise their hands and close their eyes seeking God’s love and guidance, reveling in the fact they are His chosen people, His children.

I am no longer worried about whether I’m a good person or not, whether my “trying” is enough. God is making me a better person, a better Christian just through my daily act of loving Him and seeking out His word. The message today talked about how to grow in our faith is just a matter of “get in His presence, live in obedience” and love others with no bounds. Show other’s God’s amazing love.

While the image of those people in worship will remain engraved on my mind for the rest of today and even this week, what I took out of the lesson the most is how by giving my life over to God fully, all my worries, my family, my career choices, my relationships, my job I can only become more buried in Him. I can only become a woman who is so rooted in God that someone trying to know me truly, honestly, will have to seek God out as well.

And to me,
there’s nothing scary about that.