So this is something I’ve been wanting to post for awhile. Something I used to be scared to talk about, used to be embarrassed and some may even call it a testimony, but here goes.
In case you didn’t know, I’m a believer. Jesus Christ is my Savior and I’m undeservingly blessed and loved beyond my own comprehension. With that being said, with you supposedly knowing my view on things, formalities I guess are out of the way.
I was saved when I was five, on a bench on the playground by my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Marcacci. When I was five I had a best friend, our birthdays were only eight days apart and our names both began with G. When I was eight, she left the school.
My life kind of floundered for a bit; I wasn’t close with anyone else in my class (I went to a private school so that’s like 20 kids) and the next year I hung out with two boys because I figured girls were petty. It was a rough year, being nine, losing my grandpop and feeling alienated. You don’t think people understand what it’s like losing someone, but it’s something you never forget, even to this day, almost ten years later, it’s something I can never forget.
And so began the pattern of “friend-hopping”; jumping from one group of friends who would push me away or I’d leave and then to another. And through all this, around the time I was 12, I fell under the foolish notion that in order to be loved and accepted I had to have a boyfriend. Let’s just say I found that “acceptance” in the wrong people.
Which brings me to when I was 13 and I got myself into the worst situation I have ever been through in my life. I only had what I considered real friends on the internet. I put my faith in some kind people and some mean people. I was naive and was easily manipulated. I thought I fell in love several times over. And when one, who was also my best friend, walked out, there was someone there who filled his gap and led me on the wildest adventure of my life.
I lied to my mom for a year and a half. I broke off from reality, lived for his attention, his “affection”, his friendship, all through a phone. And then I broke; I told my mom, she was understanding (God knows why) and I continued my “relationship” if you can call it that. Until July 25th, when he turned out to be to a girl, who had been lying to me for 2 years.
And people think being cat-fished is something funny, but when you are 14, and someone pulls the rug out from under you, your heart drops, breaks/shatters, and you don’t know who you are, what you did, where you went wrong. And thats when God reaches out for you.
I swear He held me in days where I could not stand, and when I cried every night for practically two months, out of grief and anger and frustration, He pushed me through.
The next year I was changed. I had seen God and to this day I can remember what that feels like. I had a crush, somehow got over that crush, texted a jerk, and somehow managed up in a relationship with my best friend that’s over 2 and half years strong.
That’s my story. And as I go through it, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I talk about it so people understand me better, and I don’t know if they’ll see me differently. I always get mad when girls can’t get over a guy, but I hold grudges against those who use me, because hey: been there, done that.
And I don’t want people to pity me. But I want you to know, that lying and using me are two things I have a hard time letting go of and the one kid I need to understand that, probably won’t even read this (ha).
But for those who do, whether you know me or not, I want you to understand one thing: once I let go and I learned to live (with and without love) I gained a family that I am entirely blessed to have and want them to know how much.
For all the memories:
And I wish I could sit each one of them down and tell them. Especially the boys because gosh, I love you all so very much: Nick, Dan, Eric I., Tim, Scott, and John especially. (Aaron, it’s understood). To the girls who constantly picked me up when I was down: Mack (alwaysalwaysALWAYS), Kara, Liz, Sarah, Rachel, and Shea.
To the ones I’ve hurt and who have hurt me: I’m sorry and I forgive you. To the ones I’ve never gotten along with (Andrew) I love you, too. To the ones who were there and have seen me grow whether they know me or not, thank you.
I just want to show I’m proof that your story doesn’t have to define you, and there’s always room to grow. But if I’ve learned anything it’s this: don’t forget the ones who held you up along the way.