Heartbroken Hymns 8/26

I want you to know night is the worst because it’s when I’m lying in bed with nothing to do. It is when my mind wanders, it is when I think of you.

And I don’t hate you; I don’t think I ever could. But I miss you, so much, almost to the point like none of this ever happened.

Because each day I still love you, and I know it was for the best, but I didn’t want to stop. And now it’s like I’m lost, in dream state, knowing it’a all real and life goes on.

But I hold it all back during the day, like I’m on autopilot and then the tears come at night because you aren’t here. And for once I don’t know what you’re thinking and I see your face on my pillow and how you just smiled so content even on Sunday.

Like it was any other day and you were just cuddling up. To nap with me. But you had to leave.

And I didn’t want you to, I never wanted you to. But I know it’s for the best. Yet I’m still in love with you.

But here I am again,
Lying in bed and letting my mind wander. I don’t think about today or what I have to do. I just stare straight ahead and know my mind will come to life, thrive on memory until I naturally conjure you.

Advertisements

The Eye Of the Beholder

20130821-003920.jpg

I hate the way my one eye crinkles when I smile. I see it as a flaw in my facial structure and therefore I smirk.

I hate my teeth; always an off white because all I drink is tea; the two big teeth different lengths due to knocking one out when I was five.

I’ve never been fond of my nose. I have found it rather bulbous, too round, too wide.

And lets not get started on the moles, beauty marks, and freckles.

But…you loved me, didnt you? You called me beautiful. And I don’t know how and I don’t know why, because I was never your taste. I wasn’t even the same race and we are so often taught to be with our own color even in this generation.

It’s hard because my ideal of hot is programmed to certain types, to white types, but I find you attractive. Handsome, good-looking.

An honorable man and son. A man who loves his family, respects his mother, worships the true God, is humble, polite, charming, kind, and very, very funny.
Those are what I fell for. Because I did fall for you.

Qualities that made you you, only to be followed by your even more lovable quirks. Your expressions, the light in your eyes, your affection. The things I notice about you, that I know about you, but can’t let go.

And this is like some unread love letter, because there’s my picture. You loved my qualities, but who knows how you felt about my quirks, because even though you thought I was beautiful, it means nothing if you’re not here now.

And will you be, tomorrow morning or thereafter? Have you given up on me even though I have broken down at your feet? Because, my love, my love is yours. Isn’t that beautiful? My heart, my soul, and other things to come in time, if designed by Devine intervention,.

Like this is a poem or some lovesick confection. Pin-pointing insecurities and begging for your love like I’m desperate…

But I am desperate.
Because you not only called me beautiful…you made me feel beautiful, too.
Because that’s what love between two people is, right: something fragile, but also something beautiful.

Beating the Odds

And they said we wouldn’t make it.

And we almost didn’t.

And we almost ended it.

And we aren’t yet finished. 

But for me, boy, you better scale those walls. You better cut through briers and pierce dragons. ‘Cause we already know what happens after ‘true love’s’ kiss.

For you, boy, I will climb mountains and dive off of cliffs. I will scream at the top of my lungs and embrace the unknown. I will twirl in snowfall and dance in the rain.

For me, boy, you better fight. You better scream and yell and drive to my house at midnight. You better drop off flowers and be waiting in my driveway. You better hold me when I push you away.

For you, boy, I will get your mother to like me, I will cook dinner, I will go on rollercoasters that go upside-down. I will watch four hour long basketball games. I will listen to Christian Rap. I will go on runs with you and eat Chick-fil-A.

For me, boy, you better love me with all you got. You better sacrifice and take me on nice dates. You should always tell me I’m beautiful and woo me day after day; candle after candle.

For you,boy, I’ll beat the odds,

For me, boy, you’ll beat the odds.

For us.

Forever. 

‘Cause we aren’t finished yet. 

 

Who Owns My Heart

I fall in love a thousand times a day.

With you. And him. And her.

And the way they are.

The faces you make and the way you pronounce words intentionally wrong.

The jokes you make that only you laugh at. The jewelry you wear. Your ability to not take life seriously and to find me amusing.

I fell in love with how they laughed at my stupid jokes. Their noses scrunched and eyes closed, not realizing I lived for those moments.

I fell in love with you, some small part of me, when you cared. When you all disagreed with, but respected me. When you all had my back.

I fall in love with strangers; the people who pay with exact change or treat me like their grandchild. I fall in love with good Samaritans and people who live out their dreams.

I fall in love with writers and artists and poets.

I fall in love with those who share my faith and my tastes: in fashion, good humor and most importantly movie quotes. I fall in love with people who I can hug, who go through life looking fabulous and listen openly to others’ opinions.

I belong to those who never left and who understand the intricacies of myself: body, mind, and soul.

I fall in love when I observe: the guy who constantly had his guitar, the girl that spoke poetry, the teacher and her blush that shimmered in the projector’s light.

I fall in love with accents and languages. The way you can switch between the two so easily. I’m captivated by your mannerisms and moments you share with your family.

I fell for how your eyes twinkled and the sound of your laugh. How you stand and how you roll your eyes.
The way you called me “stupid”, and now you’re not there. The way we spoke of video games and you put up with my chatter.

I fell in love with the way you let us dance around you, and then finally caved. The fact you let me joke with you and you walked me to my locker; the gentleman you always were.

The way you said my full name with your last and how it sounded so French. What made you laugh and how you texted smileys: =). How you were brave and smart, even though you didn’t care.

I fell in love when you climbed that tree and let us tease you until the end of time. The fact that I feel close to you for whatever reason because after 4 years, we actually talked.

I fell in love with how you let us tease you and the music that only you could hear. The brother you ended up being, even if you never knew.

I fell in love with your passion for life, God, learning and others. The amazing person you are and who I can only aspire to be. How everybody loves you.

I fell in love with how you are a princess to the King on High and you put your faith above all else. Your love for others, over yourself; your always cheerful personality.

I fell in love with how we always pick up the pieces every time we meet, and regardless of our past we will always remain family. The jokes shared, the memories made, and our futures yet to come.

I cannot thank you all enough.
I only wish you knew how I cared.

It is because of these things that I fall in love a thousand times a day, if only to feel my heart swell.

Thou art my enemy

Friends don’t rejoice in your failure.

They don’t sit around waiting for you to slip up.
They don’t cherish every moment of your struggling,
Don’t watch with glee at your writhing as the strength seeps out of you in puddles because you can’t hold on anymore.

Those who claim they care are never the ones that do.

Because friends break down walls and barriers;
They clean up your mess and help you rebuild the pieces
They see you at your weakest and stoop to your level, lifting you up to standing with each encouraging word.
Pumping strength through your veins once more.

Friends know you and accept you.
“Sassy-ness” and all.

And if you are my friend, you will know me. Know what I want you to and maybe someday what I don’t.
But most of all, you will know my greatest fear in this:
I’d rather have you see me fail, then know I cared for you at all.

The Marathon Lover

I chased you.
We were five.
Love notes stuffed in your cubby.
Tag on the playground…
Except I was always “it”
And you were always running.

I chased you.
You interested me because you listened.
You were are smart.
Girls were/are stupid.
My pop-pop passed
You were there, but never knew
And now you’re a married man.

I chased you.
Year after year, girl after girl.
You, the living embodiment of a hormone.
I was always there for you.
And you were always onto the next one.

I chased you.
God, I worshipped you.
I made you cry to feel all power and then you crushed my resolve and took my breath in your embrace.
In an empty hallway, apologies echoing off of cinder block walls.
You were what everyone wanted.
And you wanted her.
Til she hurt you,
Like she hurts them all.
And then you fell for a smile
And ran full force after that.

I chased you…
Though I said I never would.
And I acted childishly,
Fell after a dance that was simply a dance
Nothing more; nothing less.
And I digress, because you chose her anyway
Though through those years, what you were once sure of seemed to make you anything but happy.
And you were and are perfect, a gentleman and the only reason I stopped running was because there was more to life than that;
Than a crush unrequited.

I chased you.
What for? Nothing good.
I was “cute”, but so were the ten other you were talking to at the time.
I wasn’t tainted yet; I was untouched
And if anything THAT was what intrigued you more than whatever else about me.
Because drinking was a priority, that way you’d be having all the fun.
And stupidly, even that didnt cause me to run away.

You chased me.
Even when I was running after others,
you waited.
You listened, you understood; you kept the conversation going.
And once I let go of past hindrances, past runners,
I realized you had me stopped in my tracks.

I let you catch me.
And after almost three years, you haven’t let me go.