Resolutions

So, in natural fashion of every other blogger/ teenage girl in America let me talk about some resolutions of mine for the beautiful 2014.

——

1. Be more selfish.

-Now this may sound like a snotty resolution to some who don’t know me, but let me explain. The past year or so I gave up so much of myself, settling instead of fighting for what I actually wanted, and sacrificing time and patience. If things had stayed the way they were, I would still be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else’s. (In reality, it was a waste ’cause he was already bored of me and he wasn’t happy as long as he remained with me.) I lost who I was as a person, as Gabby. I lost my vibrancy, my passion.

So for 2014, I want to be selfish in the fact that I put myself first in some situations. I love myself first. I chase my dreams first. I work on my walk with God first before asking for someone’s help to get back on track. I gain strength back first. I focus on my future first.

2. Love selflessly

Because of these past four months, and everything I’ve struggled to get over, who I’ve loved, who I’ve lost, and who I’ve pushed out of my life, I have found that I have taken refuge in my family. We have always been close, but listening to my depression and frustration and repetition to be honest has put a strain on my relationship with all of them and I had (have) become self-centered to what was going on in just my life alone, my drama.

For 2014, I want to focus more on what’s going on in my mom’s, my dad’s, and my sister’s life. I want to encourage and support and not pout when I don’t get my way. I want to sacrifice for them because they have sacrificed for me countless times. I want to be their sounding board when they need someone, I want to give uplifting advice and be able to pray with them.

3. Be spontaneous

I am forever grateful to somebody for bringing me back to life. He knows who he is and while I’d like to say it probably annoys him when I mention him, I didn’t realize how much of myself had been shut down for the past year until I talked to him on June 29th and realized I never had a “rebellious stage”; that, at 18, I hadn’t done a single spontaneous thing. I hadn’t lived.

In 2014, I want to be more adventurous. I want to go out of my way to make things that I really want to happen, happen. I want to be up for anything, with anyone.  I want to love fearlessly, I want to live recklessly, and I want to fall without worrying what or who will catch me. I want to feel the sun on my skin, the ocean in my lungs, the grass in my fingers, and the sand between my toes. I want to dive headfirst into the unknown.

4. Better myself

In 2014, I will rise from the ashes.

I want to heal; be better and not bitter.

I want to make better choices, I want to make healthier choices.

I don’t want to be ashamed of saying “no” if I feel that something or someone is not going to benefit me in my life.
I want to build myself up with people who love me and not keep people in my life who only to tear me down.

5. Forgive

Him.

Her.

You.

Eventually, forget:

Him.

Her.

You.

6. WRITE MORE

Specifically for me; for you guys to enjoy. 🙂

Write raw, fearlessly, and better. Gain my own voice and experiment with so many different styles. Not just write about him or you.

——

As the new year approaches, (in 12 minutes :D) I hope you guys see these changes in my writing, in me, in what I share on here. I hope you know I am forever grateful to all who read this, daily or not. I hope you know I wouldn’t change a thing about this year, I would re-live all the lessons, yes, even the hard ones, and I would meet and lose all the people again.

They have made me who I am, they have showed me what I want to achieve, and because of them I am not only chasing paper, but also my dreams.

2014: be good to me.

Gabby

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Upon Realizing

The so-called 

“demons”

I face daily

Are only 

the ones 

I created

for myself;

I find

that I

must call

myself my

own worst

enemy.

No prince

no knight

in shining

armor with

glory as

his banner

toward victory

will save 

some like 

me…

No, no

no.

I am

the hero

of my

own story. 

 

This is 

masochism at

its finest.

Your highness,

I will

not

bow down

to formal

made requirements

of pleading

of begging

of desperately

seeking sanity

self-love

strength and

dignity back

from when 

I laid

them at

the puddle

around your

two feet.

You had

the last 

laugh then.

 

Today however,

marks a

new me.

They

call me

Her Highness,

my horse

is mighty.

Positive and

pretty, they

call me

Gabby.

And I

am no

damsel in

distress.

I do

not regress

any sin

I’m not

absolved from.

For I

am the

untold,

the brave

the bold

self-saving

face-saving

princess.

October 2nd.

I wore sunglasses,

that you found too big and ostentatious.

I didn’t ask for your opinion,

I didn’t wear sunglasses for you;

(can’t say the same about dresses).

[And let’s not forget the crop top,

because mid-drift is exposed and I get a cough as a clear of the throat,

and “You look nice today”.]

I wasn’t your girlfriend.

I was just a girl in a Snow White top and too-short skirt,

a little bit of a flirt with her own fate.

With a boy who was an ass,

but she loved him.

Part of her thinks she always will.

And she knows if he even still cared,

that would bother him.

Because he could never love her back,

even if he wanted to.

Besides, 

as stated before,

it was easier for him to tear her down with phrases like

“Kiddo”

“Little Sister”

“Way to bring a new meaning to bug-eyed.”

I wasn’t your girlfriend,

and on days like that,

I wondered why I even wanted to be.

The Daily Grind

I want to dance around,

with you in the vicinity.

I want to make you question alcohol;

shots of tequila;

each swallow of salt

alleviating wounds I’ve yet to discover.

You say we were both raised the same,

so what made you change?

Why are drugs your version of “hallelujah”?

You were raised in the Catholic church,

how many “Hail Mary”s are needed to absolve these sins?

You find it hard to believe I don’t get out much,

that  I don’t really have friends.

If you want to claim me,

now’s your chance.

But I won’t participate in your “fun”.

 

You want to take me to a party?
Fine; there better be dancing,

legal age drinking,

and the air better smell of sweat

over any forms of smoke.

 

We could have something,

I like you enough.

 

But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to try drugs;

even if it’s the only way of obtaining your “love”.

 

I want to dance around,

with you in the vicinity.

I want you to put down the drink you’re holding,

pass through the swarm of tangled and pulsing bodies,

with your hands lightly anchored at my waist,

I want to let you rock me. 

Dylan

I don’t know if that’s your name or not,
But I picture my future self with a Dylan, so roll with it.

And dearest Dylan,
I am sorry.
For when you enter my life,
You must accept my flaws.
Lucky for you I organized them into a blog.

If and when you read the entries,
Will you ask their names?
Will your eyes once again meet my face
With tenderness and willingness
Hopefully acceptance
Or will you
Like they all did
Just run away?

Without even giving me a chance to explain.

139

Relatable.

Serendipity

Here’s to the unlucky ones, the ones who never make it down the aisle, never catch the bouquet, and never wear their hair flowing down, curled to perfection to match a flawless white dress.

Here’s to that charming boy who crushed her spirit, made her stop fighting, and taught her how to kiss without feeling. He showed her the world only to steal the colours away, leaving her with black and grey and stories too painful to explain.

Here’s to the liar who tricked her into believing that happiness is a choice, but ultimately took away her options. She had worked so hard for a happy ending that belonged to another now, and it felt unfair for death to be so far.

Here’s to those sweet tales that he fed her with a honey coating, but now they rotted her from the inside and fought to escape whenever she was…

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