Redemption

Seeking attention

from the boy who knows very little about me.

Knowing your vices,

but agreeing to disagree;

boy, if he knew,

he would not be happy with me.

Through you,

I wanted to thread happiness,

like a product freshly knit,

the holes allowing in a little bit of wind,

but still we wear it for fashion.

Small, needle-made flaws,

yet,

there is beauty within.

If I splayed my fingers across your chest,

would your heartbeat ripple,

or would it sputter:

unamused breath.

Would you grasp my wrists and pull me from your frame,

thinking obscenities rather than speaking a name

which in itself asks for Another’s strength…

I

am broken and bruised

woman

I

have made myself

my own victim

Realizing

I relied

too much on your validation

as an indication

of my person-

al worth,

beauty,

love.

I

am ashamed of my own

degradation,

the names he is calling me

are the ones we allowed to shape a nation,

of women who have fallen at the hands of men

from whom they once wanted fingertips to leave

indentation

on the paper that was their skin;

a book marked by fingerprinted stains,

scratches and rash actions

both thick and thin.

He bites your lip,

you let him in.

He stares into your eyes,

you let him win.

All because you thought,

he listened

He’s different

Indifferent,

to your love.

To your escape, rather

to the madhouse that has become your brain;

No matter,

fun adventures never happen to the sane,

you figure.

Still,

this does not make you less bitter.

You hope to wipe the smile,

the satisfaction off his face.

Lips you longed to taste,

with hands squeezing your waist

into nothing

no one,

until he took your soul right out of its frame,

to sign it with his name,

like an autographed memory,

in permanent Sharpie,

you can’t erase.

Though he walks away:

completely unscathed.

You wanted to feel happy again;

for whose sake?

He made you smile without realizing:

you’re blushing

in the wake of another

lover who’s moved on without you.

In a friend/brother who could live without you.

Trying to rely on another,

who could only doubt you.

Trying to look this adorable boy in the eye,

without question;

were you crushing on him,

or were you searching for redemption?

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