Christmas 2013

The holidays are the hardest.

Neither probably knows how much I’ve thought of them this holiday season; one in remembrance, the other to replace. 

But I dealt with it, in my own way. And yes some days, the pain was hard to take. Some days I wished one of you would just hold me until I fell asleep, regardless of what I meant to you, or if either of you would show up in my dreams.

At that moment, I was willing to take nightmares just to see one of you; just so things could go back to the way they were.

I’m not sitting here typing this as if grief has overtaken me and all that I am, because we all know it hasn’t. But I am sitting here, not claiming to be a strong, independent woman because we all know I reach others through my weaknesses. And we all know, you two more than anyone, that I carry many with me.

I have tried to make sense of things, of you, and you, and all I usually am left is feeling pity or feeling angry; sometimes a mixture of both. And one of you I want back in my life, not that you are needed, but because in my mind, you fit so perfectly, because in my mind I pictured you amongst my family and they loved you, loved you for me, and you, in turn, grew to love them. That is something I never had with him.

My dad and I have gone to Applebees at midnight and he reveals that he liked you because in you he saw himself. In your face he saw anxiousness; and when I spoke, you listened to me with interest. He claims that before, no one ever seemed interested. Like I never had someone who I clicked with or laughed with or seemed comfortable with. When I thought I did.

Funny how when a relationship is over people are quick to tell you, “I never liked so-and-so for you, any way.”
But I did. At one point, I must’ve loved him, regardless of whether or not I can remember.

Now who he is now, what he is now, that’s a different matter. That is a stranger and ignorance is our best friend, coupled with avoidance.

So why am I spilling random thoughts upon a page when neither or you are physically in my life, but are always mentally in my mind, and sometimes emotionally hit my knees with titanium baseball bats so I can’t rise from the ashes, so I’m crippled forever.

So that I can’t walk on my own, so I’ll have to search for other crutches.

Because today, on this beautiful Christmas morning, I woke up and thought of the both of you.

Because today, on Christmas morning, I sat with my family at our kitchen table, and when my uncle joked about what my boyfriend got me for Christmas, I broke down in tears and had to leave the table.

Because today, on Christmas morning, as I lay in my bed, trying to escape for a few seconds, trying to compose myself, my grandma entered my room just to sit on my bed and ask if I was okay.

And I told her it was hard, especially on the holidays, and I tried not to think of either of you because you made me sad and I didn’t want to be sad on Christmas.

And she told me, I know it’s hard, especially on the holidays. She told me she missed my pop pop and her voice cracked and we both started crying.

Because I had one of you for a little less than three years.

The other entered my life for a month just to leave without warning.

And here was this woman who lost the greatest love of her life, a love she had for 48 years before he was taken from this world to be in heaven and she still lived her life, and rarely brought him up.

Yes;

the holidays are the hardest.

But eventually, 

though we may not “get over it”,

eventually we find a way to move on.

And that’s what you have to do.

That’s what we did when we left my room and descended the steps.

That’s what I have to do now.

Spend these days with family,

only care that they are the ones who are happy and healthy,

and remember that today is not about me.

Was never about us,

won’t be about a “we”.

The holidays are truly the hardest,

but each year,

they get a little bit easier.

I gotta believe they get a little bit easier.

 

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,

Gabby

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