Body Conscious

So I’ve never been “Pro-Ana”,
but I get told I’m being put in
“The Tent” again and my first thought is

“Yay. Dropping another pant size.”

Because last summer,
when we were put in conditions that made us sick,
when we sweat out all water,
blood,
and oxygen
in that enclosed and breeze-less prison
I lost any sign of the Freshmen “15” that I had previously gained.

And I’ve never been “Pro-Ana”,
but I’m realizing, on a good day,
I only eat one actual meal.

Try to make it healthy.

But there are days when I can’t,
and I consider coffee filling and push off other
options because I know certain things are fattening.

I haven’t worked out in a week and my stomach
isn’t flattening.

No pain, no gain.
But no energy.
I’m missing sleep to write—-
papers, or write senselessly.

He has made me feel and suck in on myself.

I’m scared that if I’m not skinny,
I won’t be his type of pretty.

My ex told me
“thin” was part of being his type.

I was told when I went out to lunch with my guy friend,
if I wore yoga pants,
he’d just stare at my ass.

A regular and mentally challenged customer comes in today
calls me I’m pretty

(because I’m in a dress)

and tells me to send him pictures of me in a dress
on my phone.

And I find it ironic,
twisted,
and horrid that even he,
not fully understanding,
is sharp enough to understand
that men say things like that
in order for me to take them like a compliment.

Without realizing the struggle of
keeping my waist thin,
but if you see my ribs, I’m automatically unhealthy.
That I crave for a lower V,
but crop tops don’t mean you have the right to touch me,
invasively.

Because I’m circling my hips,
does NOT mean I want you to
“grind on me”.

But I’m skinny,
and therefore pretty.
So logically it’s okay to be considered:
slutty.
Putty in the hands
of all men who know your body
but not the struggle.

Because when they’re trying to get in your pants,
you’re wishing to drop a size.

I’ve never been “Pro-Ana”
but on days like this,
before I forget the other options,
as sad as it is,
I know why some girls think
they’ll only be considered
good enough
wanted
pretty enough
when they die.

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