My Condolences

I still have your hoodie in my bedroom.
I wore it to bed the same night you gave it to me.
My face flushed from smiling while I laughed on FaceTime with

I should have never let you fall that far;

for that, I’m sorry.

Because even when I could’ve,
I never used you as a body.
Even when I knew what
was going on in that head of yours,
I was hoping you didn’t fall blindly.

I wasn’t ready.

I’m still not.

To be honest,
I’m still coming into myself.
Still growing into the person I want to be,
aspire to be,
but to be honest,
it still hurts that
after everything,
you are the one who can’t look at

Remember the names you called me.

Remember when you told me I broke your trust
for ignoring your texts.

For a few months,
we were friends.
Good friends, I’ll give us that much credit.
Because when I was crouched down
in the back of the tent arranging flashlights,
you let me vent.

When Kiana had walked in
earlier that day
and asked to my “permission” to see him,
I said yes.
Not knowing what had already conspired, yet…

Me and her? We’re good.

You and I?
I’m dancing by your side,
I’m actually having a good time,
and you

I was telling my dad about
how I saw you after these months,
after our sort of re-kindled friendship
when I told you I would never be yours.
And I get it.

You hold that against me.

I don’t blame you.

But never claim I pushed you away,
for saying “No.”
I won’t be your lady,
your baby,
your anything,
no remorse.
Don’t try and shame me for that.

Have some tact.

But my dad says
you can’t.
He claims that you’re
“in love with me”.
Even now,
I try to shake off that possibility.
I don’t even warrant a “maybe”.
Because though I did like you
(that much I will attest to)
most of the time,
I was just a brat
(I’ll give you that.)

I think the thing about girls wearing guys hoodies is that,
for awhile,
they smell like a home uninhabited.
They smell like support and comfort
when their world is “caving in”.

And then,

you wash it.

I should have never let you fall that far;

for that, I’m sorry. 


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