A Different Type of Love Letter

You may not know
who my favorite slam poet is
and sometimes I forget
that adults were once kids.
So, forgive me this—

But when my mother
disagrees with me
it feels like I’m losing my religion.
Because I ended up rattled,
wondering what and where
and who to put my faith in
because according to my Bible,
judging others also counts a sin.

Because,
Mother,
you have promised me that
though I may be lonely,
I am never alone.
And I’m wondering how that’s true
when I’m left spilling ink
onto keys because you reject
the words I speak.
And it must be true,
because the voices in my head
won’t let up,
my head won’t keep up
above the tide that keeps pulling me under;
you say I am strong,
and keep making me weak.

Because,
Mother,
I am choosing to live differently.
Because acceptance
and love go hand-in-hand
and sometimes I wonder,
who are we letting define
Christianity.
And,
I have always strived for honesty,
so why is it when
I reveal that I have been
lost,
that I have been looking to be found
in their hands
and learned by their lips
that I just want to feel “wanted”
your automatic response
is “well, remember that
when you have sex with him”.
Mother,
Mama,
He didn’t get that far.

Or him.
Or him,
or him or him or him.
And trust me when I say
there were plenty opportunities,
when he had me on his bed,
or when he was on mine,
when he looked me in the eyes
Trust me,
Mama,
I was willingly to let them all
take me
But I was waiting to be taken in
instead of having skin
scalped back over skin,
reveal twisted and healing organ.

Heart,
know this,
do not be afraid to re-begin.
That love
is no competition.
That your mother
is the same woman
you have put your trust in.

Heart,
remember when
she was the only one
who reminded you to have
pride in
to fall in love with
yourself
before they even get a chance
to glance
in your direction.

And remember,
this may only be subjective.
Remember, you are the little girl,
with the a promise in her name.
Remember, you are the first child she raised.
Remember,
“God is my strength.”
Remember she taught you to be enough
on your own, and you don’t need anyone,
let alone “men”.
Remember, you are your own definition.
Remember each lesson.
Remember I’m still being taught
I’m just trying to learn
what real love
is.

Because,
Mother,
Though I have given up on religion,
I am still praying.

Because,
Mother,
when I’m telling you
I’ve been lost,
I want you to tell me,
regardless of church,
regardless of tradition,
at the end of the day,
it is me you will
always
have faith in.

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3 thoughts on “A Different Type of Love Letter

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